“Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes, like now, they get you so high."

Dear Love Birds,

We all have moments in our days that make us think, rethink, retry and revise. Recently I’ve had an opportunity to embark on a path that has made me do all of these things, and I must say I like it. We all have people who surprise us from time to time and if you will allow those surprises, they can rattle, stir and rekindle many things within you.

One of those rethinks/retries has brought me to this blog today. See I confess, I will share relationship advice until the cows come home (or martini’s run out). There are few things I like better then to be a solid rock (or at least support over a few cocktails) for my friends. I always like to come up with different ways of thinking about the situation at hand, fabulous “one-liners” are my forte and honestly nothing makes me happier then when people tell me they can relate to my blog. See folks, writing this blog or g-chatting with you about your latest boo… comes so naturally. It takes so little thought and edit for me. Not to toot my own horn, but some of my friends rely on what I am going to tell them about their latest and greatest for the simple fact that I always have something to say. (Whether it is right or wrong… that’s here nor there) What’s the point? Well my dilemma exists in the fact that I have a horrible, reluctant issue with practicing what I preach.

When the relationship does not involve me nor are the issues making/breaking my heart… all day I will sit there and offer advice or alternative solutions. I love that my friends can break down their walls and be vulnerable with me. I can talk about feelings and emotions; wants and desires; passions-you name it. Whatever topic you would like to discuss about your life, I’ve got ideas and visions pouring out of this brain and probably a cocktail recipe to parallel. On the flipside… Me? You want to discuss what I want? Oh, what I would like to see happen for me? Where I want to be in this relationship? How I feel about him? Wait… you would like to discuss where him and I stand? ….. Total breakdown. It’s like watching a robot run out of battery juice. It’s awkward and humiliating; I myself want to look away, so I can only imagine how the viewer must feel. It legitimately becomes the worst conversation of all time, filled with a trillion “ums”, “ya know what I means” and enough “likeeee”’s to make a valley girl blush.

It is a train wreck and only the few and the trusted get to witness this. I’m telling you it’s disgusting. How can one offer such advice to others yet be terrified to express self existing issues? Well here’s the answer friends-vulnerability. I think this Sex in the City quote sums it up- “When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

A long long time ago, I recklessly allowed myself to fall in love, and that’s exactly what I did-I fell. Ok, Okay more like dove off a 100 foot high dive without the slightest clue if there was even a puddle of water underneath me. At the end of the day, when I got to the bottom of the relationship there was no puddle, in fact there wasn’t a sign of H20 for a 100 mile radius.

Now, no need for a piety party, he and the relationship were ALL wrong for me. Needless to say, I’ve stood up from this fall, brushed myself off, gathered the pieces and for the last couple years selectively pieced them back together. I say selectively because once you break, you learn so much truth about yourself and I wanted the opportunity to explore this. “There are cracks in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in."-Eat Love Pray. I could not agree more with this statement.

Back to my favorite world of the English language-vulnerability. It’s hard, it’s my battle. It’s my relationship brick, if you will. The one thing that holds me back is the one thing I desire most in a intimate relationship- complete and utter vulnerability. I mean the definition doesn’t lend much support: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage, liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning. See taken in context this is horrifying and extremely pessimistic but that last definition wraps up the beauty of this emotion: “increased bonuses after winning.” At this point in my life, I understand that when I find the person worthy of being vulnerable with again, it will be such a rush. To lose part of yourself in another, to trust without hesitation and to grow together is an absolutely beautiful gift.

Last time I fell-ok more like plummeted into love, moving forward I want to grow, in love and in vulnerability. Nonetheless, I’m working on it and I sincerely appreciate those of you whom- no matter how awkward it is to watch me squirm; you stand still with me.

Drum roll please… so what’s your battle? Your relationship brick? Because when all is said and done- you can’t take it with you…live life to the fullest.

With love and growth,