I want to first take a moment and apologize for my brief siesta. Believe it or not, quite frankly I lost my smile, my words and my direction. See in life and relationships occasionally you loose the things that make you, well.. you. Sometimes it’s only for a brief moment…. Sometimes you need a week and then sometimes it takes a month, quite a few bottles of wine, a great pedicure and some clarity.
A break up- as defined by Mr. Dictionary as
1. Disintegration; disruption; dispersal.
2. The ending of a personal, especially a romantic, relationship.
3. The melting and loosening of ice in rivers and harbors during the early spring.
Interestingly enough, this is more than the definition of “breakup” these are the 3 steps of breaking-up.
1st you sense trouble in the relationship, concerns begin to pile up so quickly you don’t have time to address the core issues behind them, feelings that once felt so secure start to feel scattered. 2nd the ending…. That one farewell, or in many cases, those 16 face-to-face “chats”, the 26 “I don’t understand why this happened” text messages and the 1 or 5 slip ups inbetween (you know the times when you think you are going to be able to just work it out and it’s not the end but …. Oh! Wait, yes it is)
I’m not going to go into the personal elements of my steps- 1 and 2, those are for me and my heart …. I will however share the 3rd element of breakup with you…. The melting and loosening of ice in rivers and harbors during the early spring….
What a fabulously powerful part of this definition…. Many might skip it, for that- they are foolish…this is the most poignant part of the definition.
When your heart makes promises it truly cannot keep, there is a tremendous about of pain that follows. There is no other pain, like the pain of heartbreak. It’s crippling.
However, the beauty of this life is it’s filled with choices. Choices are the stepping stones that lead you directions, with each choice - direction follows. Some choices you make, others are made for you... When choices are made you invite people to come along with you… some invitations you withhold and others are given but not accepted. When faced with a breakup… you are the one with the choice.
Pick happiness. Choice clarity. Empower yourself to see beyond the pain and the “what if’s” and piece by piece let the ice melt from your heart, allow your soul to flow freely again. This is the most fabulous part of a breakup- With every good bye you learn.
This choice is something you fight for; you proactively look fear in the eyes and say-“I am going to get over this”. I’m not saying it’s easy, but the biggest failure with this choice- is your own unwillingness to fight for it.
So many women endure breakups and choice not to move on. They choose to sit alone and wallow in this pain of being alone. No, No, No that’s not for you!! Give yourself a total of 3 weeks to wallow in the pain, then pick yourself up and follow these few simple positive ideas.
1) Do something just for you, each day.
It could be 10 minutes of quiet or a mani/pedi. Drinking wine or planting flowers. Take time to be with yourself... and learning to love yourself again… Many times during a breakup, you forget about your fabulousness. Take time to remind yourself.
2) When your heart starts to cry and your thoughts start to race- take a deep breath and say “Self, it just simply didn’t work out.”
So many women go over and over and over and over the coulda woulda shouldas. This is part of growth... “you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.” You can’t fix what happened, you can’t change the past. If it’s meant to come back around, well hell great!!! But you have to let the past go to enjoy that future. Simplify your thoughts, simplify your emotions. Stop worrying about what’s happening, happened or going to happen. Still your mind and know… “it didn’t work out, but I am going to be okay”
3) Maybe the most important and most difficult, forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive the others. Nothing is more crippling then holding on to anger and regrets. Truly let the ice melt from your heart, and forgive those who put it there- yourself or another.
All in all, I’m not belittling breakups. I’m trashing the feelings that you have felt in the past. These steps might not help you to stop loving someone, these ideas might not free you from old flames reappearing- I truly believe that once you’ve loved someone, you never stop loving them- if you ever do, it wasn’t real love. This Choice isn’t to forget someone who brought joy and happiness into your life - notice I never used the word forget, not once. Never forget, the good times, but simply allow yourself to be happy in the now times.
Now, I have never claimed to be an expert on breakups and I certainly am still working on the relationships but I will share a secret with you…. it feels good to have butterflies again.
With love and new beginnings,
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