I want to first take a moment and apologize for my brief siesta. Believe it or not, quite frankly I lost my smile, my words and my direction. See in life and relationships occasionally you loose the things that make you, well.. you. Sometimes it’s only for a brief moment…. Sometimes you need a week and then sometimes it takes a month, quite a few bottles of wine, a great pedicure and some clarity.
A break up- as defined by Mr. Dictionary as
1. Disintegration; disruption; dispersal.
2. The ending of a personal, especially a romantic, relationship.
3. The melting and loosening of ice in rivers and harbors during the early spring.
Interestingly enough, this is more than the definition of “breakup” these are the 3 steps of breaking-up.
1st you sense trouble in the relationship, concerns begin to pile up so quickly you don’t have time to address the core issues behind them, feelings that once felt so secure start to feel scattered. 2nd the ending…. That one farewell, or in many cases, those 16 face-to-face “chats”, the 26 “I don’t understand why this happened” text messages and the 1 or 5 slip ups inbetween (you know the times when you think you are going to be able to just work it out and it’s not the end but …. Oh! Wait, yes it is)
I’m not going to go into the personal elements of my steps- 1 and 2, those are for me and my heart …. I will however share the 3rd element of breakup with you…. The melting and loosening of ice in rivers and harbors during the early spring….
What a fabulously powerful part of this definition…. Many might skip it, for that- they are foolish…this is the most poignant part of the definition.
When your heart makes promises it truly cannot keep, there is a tremendous about of pain that follows. There is no other pain, like the pain of heartbreak. It’s crippling.
However, the beauty of this life is it’s filled with choices. Choices are the stepping stones that lead you directions, with each choice - direction follows. Some choices you make, others are made for you... When choices are made you invite people to come along with you… some invitations you withhold and others are given but not accepted. When faced with a breakup… you are the one with the choice.
Pick happiness. Choice clarity. Empower yourself to see beyond the pain and the “what if’s” and piece by piece let the ice melt from your heart, allow your soul to flow freely again. This is the most fabulous part of a breakup- With every good bye you learn.
This choice is something you fight for; you proactively look fear in the eyes and say-“I am going to get over this”. I’m not saying it’s easy, but the biggest failure with this choice- is your own unwillingness to fight for it.
So many women endure breakups and choice not to move on. They choose to sit alone and wallow in this pain of being alone. No, No, No that’s not for you!! Give yourself a total of 3 weeks to wallow in the pain, then pick yourself up and follow these few simple positive ideas.
1) Do something just for you, each day.
It could be 10 minutes of quiet or a mani/pedi. Drinking wine or planting flowers. Take time to be with yourself... and learning to love yourself again… Many times during a breakup, you forget about your fabulousness. Take time to remind yourself.
2) When your heart starts to cry and your thoughts start to race- take a deep breath and say “Self, it just simply didn’t work out.”
So many women go over and over and over and over the coulda woulda shouldas. This is part of growth... “you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.” You can’t fix what happened, you can’t change the past. If it’s meant to come back around, well hell great!!! But you have to let the past go to enjoy that future. Simplify your thoughts, simplify your emotions. Stop worrying about what’s happening, happened or going to happen. Still your mind and know… “it didn’t work out, but I am going to be okay”
3) Maybe the most important and most difficult, forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive the others. Nothing is more crippling then holding on to anger and regrets. Truly let the ice melt from your heart, and forgive those who put it there- yourself or another.
All in all, I’m not belittling breakups. I’m trashing the feelings that you have felt in the past. These steps might not help you to stop loving someone, these ideas might not free you from old flames reappearing- I truly believe that once you’ve loved someone, you never stop loving them- if you ever do, it wasn’t real love. This Choice isn’t to forget someone who brought joy and happiness into your life - notice I never used the word forget, not once. Never forget, the good times, but simply allow yourself to be happy in the now times.
Now, I have never claimed to be an expert on breakups and I certainly am still working on the relationships but I will share a secret with you…. it feels good to have butterflies again.
With love and new beginnings,
6.01.2011
5.03.2011
Love it- a few spring things
1. Ulta sunless tanner..a full body tan for under $10.00 unlike most sunless tanners, these do not streak nor leave you with an awkward self tanner scent... plus they deliver a natural looking tan.
Don't be afraid to wear lipstick, it's truly feminine and beautiful once you have the right shade
3. Limited edition Very Sexy Now- Sheer Sexy Mist
With the warmer weather prompting you to spray more often,
the scents are softer - so spray away sister!
the scents are softer - so spray away sister!
4. Sally Hansen Insta-Dri-Nail Color
One stroke.
One Coat. Done.
it's time to razzle-dazzle
with your vibrant hues.
5. Macademia Natural Oil-Healing Oil Treatment
Humidity gives your hair a mind of it's own. This leave in oil keeps hair manageable & shiny- not to mention UV protection from the sun.
3.09.2011
"Give you that iPhone 4, face time"
Dear Techies,
As I sit at my desk playing tug-a-war with my blackberry, I just have to laugh… never did I ever think a red blinking light would have me on the edge of my seat in anticipation. Yes, I admit it I’m being outrageously crazy!! I am waiting for a certain person, with a particular message to send me a less then critical communication. For those of you who haven’t sold your soul for the infectious addiction, Crackberry… there is a small light at the top of my blackberry that will blink when I receive a message. This message could be a work email, a tweet, a text message, a picture message, a blackberry message, a personal email, a facebook notification, or heaven forbid someone actually is picking up their phone to call you. The light blinks red and my heart skips a beat.
The other day, I was talking to my grandparents about every older persons favorite topic... the changing tides of technology. (If you ever are at a loss of words with the elderly, just ask them about what they think of the internet… works like charm.) Now I must give a shout out to my Grandfather, this man owns a laptop, cell phone and a flat screen with surround sound, he’s not afraid of the changes. My grandfather was explaining to me how when he was a 20-something year old, there was only one communication technology and he never used it. “We had one phone in the house and I never used it, only to call my sweetie” My Grandmother is blushing.- My Grandparents have been married for over 55 years and are still madly in love. Not like fake, oh I’ve been with this person for so long I’m use to all the crap they’re gonna throw my way today. Madly, deeply, truly in love with each other- they are best of friends and best of partners. It’s honestly the greatest testimony in my life to say- marriage works! But I’m not hear to gush about how cute my Gparents are… let’s back this love boat up.
Life was so simply. There was one phone and if you wanted to get in touch with someone you picked the plastic hunk on the wall and dialed a number, where it rang to the receiver. End of the story. There were no ring tones, status updates, profile pictures, “secret messages”, wall posts, tweets, privacy settings, text messages, bbm groups… the list is never ending.
I’m not some crazy anti-communication hippy, I love my phone, I love my social networks and I love my ability to silently scream my thoughts across the air ways… but just sometimes it makes me stop and think. As great as all of these communication tools are, we all know they come with some baggage, some secrets and some trouble.
VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED::
“well I texted his phone and he didn’t answer. Then I sent “you out of work” to his bbm, and I know he got it..(blackberry messager-shows when the message has been delivered/read) Then he called me and said he was working late and couldn’t use his phone, but 5 minutes later he updated his twitter account “what’s good for tonight” so then I emailed his work email which never was opened- only to find tagged pictures of him out at some party on facebook the following day”
Needless to say, this is a bit over dramatic however I’m willing to bet you can crawl back into time and locate a situation similar. All these technologies have completely complicated our love lives. To think that my grandparents experienced one line of communication while dating is beyond breathtaking to me. There is no need to bring up the statistics in divorce rate or failed relationships in our generation compared to our grandparents and yes though, many factors contribute, I think we are silly to not factor in our communication trends. There is no need to deny- a simpler life=a simpler romance.
Communication in a relationship is essential, however maybe our generation has such a plethora of ways to communicate that the vital heartbeat of communication is fading….One-on-One communication.
Could it be that we are getting caught up in the noise of constant communication and forgetting the one thing we need to say. I witness couples looking miserable together at dinner both on their phones… I can’t help but wonder, if they put down the devices and had meaningful conversation with each other.. what would happen? Instead of posting our feelings to the world maybe the one person that needs to hear them the most is sitting right next to us? And please, please know someone’s eye color before you “friend” them on facebook.
I guess at the end of the day I just want communication with the people in my life to survive outside the realm of blinking lights, bings and dings. I never want to lose value of the spoken word or value of words spoken.
With love and flashing lights,
As I sit at my desk playing tug-a-war with my blackberry, I just have to laugh… never did I ever think a red blinking light would have me on the edge of my seat in anticipation. Yes, I admit it I’m being outrageously crazy!! I am waiting for a certain person, with a particular message to send me a less then critical communication. For those of you who haven’t sold your soul for the infectious addiction, Crackberry… there is a small light at the top of my blackberry that will blink when I receive a message. This message could be a work email, a tweet, a text message, a picture message, a blackberry message, a personal email, a facebook notification, or heaven forbid someone actually is picking up their phone to call you. The light blinks red and my heart skips a beat.
The other day, I was talking to my grandparents about every older persons favorite topic... the changing tides of technology. (If you ever are at a loss of words with the elderly, just ask them about what they think of the internet… works like charm.) Now I must give a shout out to my Grandfather, this man owns a laptop, cell phone and a flat screen with surround sound, he’s not afraid of the changes. My grandfather was explaining to me how when he was a 20-something year old, there was only one communication technology and he never used it. “We had one phone in the house and I never used it, only to call my sweetie” My Grandmother is blushing.- My Grandparents have been married for over 55 years and are still madly in love. Not like fake, oh I’ve been with this person for so long I’m use to all the crap they’re gonna throw my way today. Madly, deeply, truly in love with each other- they are best of friends and best of partners. It’s honestly the greatest testimony in my life to say- marriage works! But I’m not hear to gush about how cute my Gparents are… let’s back this love boat up.
Life was so simply. There was one phone and if you wanted to get in touch with someone you picked the plastic hunk on the wall and dialed a number, where it rang to the receiver. End of the story. There were no ring tones, status updates, profile pictures, “secret messages”, wall posts, tweets, privacy settings, text messages, bbm groups… the list is never ending.
I’m not some crazy anti-communication hippy, I love my phone, I love my social networks and I love my ability to silently scream my thoughts across the air ways… but just sometimes it makes me stop and think. As great as all of these communication tools are, we all know they come with some baggage, some secrets and some trouble.
VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED::
“well I texted his phone and he didn’t answer. Then I sent “you out of work” to his bbm, and I know he got it..(blackberry messager-shows when the message has been delivered/read) Then he called me and said he was working late and couldn’t use his phone, but 5 minutes later he updated his twitter account “what’s good for tonight” so then I emailed his work email which never was opened- only to find tagged pictures of him out at some party on facebook the following day”
Needless to say, this is a bit over dramatic however I’m willing to bet you can crawl back into time and locate a situation similar. All these technologies have completely complicated our love lives. To think that my grandparents experienced one line of communication while dating is beyond breathtaking to me. There is no need to bring up the statistics in divorce rate or failed relationships in our generation compared to our grandparents and yes though, many factors contribute, I think we are silly to not factor in our communication trends. There is no need to deny- a simpler life=a simpler romance.
Communication in a relationship is essential, however maybe our generation has such a plethora of ways to communicate that the vital heartbeat of communication is fading….One-on-One communication.
Could it be that we are getting caught up in the noise of constant communication and forgetting the one thing we need to say. I witness couples looking miserable together at dinner both on their phones… I can’t help but wonder, if they put down the devices and had meaningful conversation with each other.. what would happen? Instead of posting our feelings to the world maybe the one person that needs to hear them the most is sitting right next to us? And please, please know someone’s eye color before you “friend” them on facebook.
I guess at the end of the day I just want communication with the people in my life to survive outside the realm of blinking lights, bings and dings. I never want to lose value of the spoken word or value of words spoken.
With love and flashing lights,
1.19.2011
"Married people don't hate singles, they just want us 'figured out"
Dear Settlers,
With the recent transition of decades I’ve taken a lot of time to sit back and reflect over the past year of my life. To say this year has been a “growth year” for me would be an understatement. One year ago, I was living out of a suitcase in California with courage in my heart, tears in my eyes, pennies in my pockets, hope in my soul and vodka in my cup. I guess the phrase-“not all who wander are lost” would be the best way to describe my life a year ago… life opened a challenge to me and I accepted it however this journey started off a bit rocky. This was probably because I had just been forced into retirement from living the dream: College. So I spent the next 9 months of my life wishing I could go back, missing the people and trying to balance a checkbook where FUN was the largest spender. Oh and did I mention I was paid about 3 dollars an hour when all was said and done….. yes, I was ordering life on the rocks.
However, looking back on this has made me realize the power of a year. Recently I have been quoted, “Wow, what a difference a year can make.” I knew this year was going to be epic but I had no way to foresee the magnitude of change these 365 days would have in store for me.
A few years ago when I was in college, I was out one night enjoying “girls night out.” We were sharing stories about the past, mainly consisting of nights where we drank to many margaritas, danced on one too many bars or fell in love with one too many “prince charmings.” It was a typical girl’s night out until one of my girlfriends looked me straight in my blurry eyes and said, “Amber, I can’t wait till you meet someone and they settle you down.”
Now, at this point in my life… you could only imagine my disbelief. You could only imagine my face when these fascist words sounded in my head. I couldn’t even respond. I had an overload of negative thoughts. “Who in the hell did this girl think she was.” “Settle down? I don’t need anyone to settle me down.” “This is probably why she doesn’t have a boyfriend right now… settle down, what is this submissive chick thinking.” “She obviously doesn’t know who she’s talking to.”
Most of the time chit chat while you are out drinking never has a profound effect on you, however this did. It made me feel so small, yet so big. This statement made me doubt my very being yet gave my inner core confidence all at the same time. See at that point in my life, I was full speed ahead into the direction of “Independence” whatever Amber wanted, I got for myself. Whatever I thought was necessary I did. Whatever was going to be fun in the moment I RSVPed, ASAP. The words “settle down” where not in my vocabulary. I was outraged that this girl thought that I was seeking to be settled down. The only thing I was settled down about was- that I was in fact in no shape to settle down.
My independence, self-centered, live for me and only me gears were moving at a mile a minute. I was single and loving it. I was traveling and embracing it. I was moving full speed in every direction too a rhythm in my own head.
Funny the difference a year has made.
Funny the difference a change in perspective makes for you. Funny who will come into your life to create this change of attitude, change of heart.
Those gears I mentioned before… they have began to slowdown, I can actually feel them inside of me changing direction. I can feel the wheels of priority, the wheels of purpose, the wheels of clarity changing. The way I think and see things is changing. Maybe some would call it growing up, some would call it maturity, but I see it as much more then this… It’s a birth of a new age, a beginning of something magical. It’s the start of the next chapter in my life, which coincides great with the start of the new decade.
This year of blogging has been an adventure for me as well. It’s been a journey of deep development. When I started a year ago I never thought I would receive the responses from readers as I have, and for this I am greatly blessed.
Relationships are the building boxes, the glue and the foundation of this blog. Over the year I have posed questions, declared visions and raised more than one questionable topic. A wise man once told me “Change: it’s the only thing that’s constant.” Well… New Year: New Drinks: New Bog.
After careful consideration and conversations, I have decided to bring some extra spice to the mix this year. Since I spent a year complaining, questioning, wondering, asking, declaring, pondering views and ideas of relationships, I thought why not have some say/perspective from the other side… I’m not afraid to admit my dependency to Self-Help books, (no joke I once got caught reading “Dump The Slump and Find a Quality Man”--- in an airport, by an attractive male (might I add) So I figured it might be fun to create my own rendition of a relationship self help guide. So cheers to the new challenge, the collision of perspectives: a Man and a Woman. Sit back stir yourself up a good/strong cosmo and let’s see where this year can take us; because it’s my hope this life is like a fine wine…. Just gets better with time.
With Love and a changing heart,
With the recent transition of decades I’ve taken a lot of time to sit back and reflect over the past year of my life. To say this year has been a “growth year” for me would be an understatement. One year ago, I was living out of a suitcase in California with courage in my heart, tears in my eyes, pennies in my pockets, hope in my soul and vodka in my cup. I guess the phrase-“not all who wander are lost” would be the best way to describe my life a year ago… life opened a challenge to me and I accepted it however this journey started off a bit rocky. This was probably because I had just been forced into retirement from living the dream: College. So I spent the next 9 months of my life wishing I could go back, missing the people and trying to balance a checkbook where FUN was the largest spender. Oh and did I mention I was paid about 3 dollars an hour when all was said and done….. yes, I was ordering life on the rocks.
However, looking back on this has made me realize the power of a year. Recently I have been quoted, “Wow, what a difference a year can make.” I knew this year was going to be epic but I had no way to foresee the magnitude of change these 365 days would have in store for me.
A few years ago when I was in college, I was out one night enjoying “girls night out.” We were sharing stories about the past, mainly consisting of nights where we drank to many margaritas, danced on one too many bars or fell in love with one too many “prince charmings.” It was a typical girl’s night out until one of my girlfriends looked me straight in my blurry eyes and said, “Amber, I can’t wait till you meet someone and they settle you down.”
Now, at this point in my life… you could only imagine my disbelief. You could only imagine my face when these fascist words sounded in my head. I couldn’t even respond. I had an overload of negative thoughts. “Who in the hell did this girl think she was.” “Settle down? I don’t need anyone to settle me down.” “This is probably why she doesn’t have a boyfriend right now… settle down, what is this submissive chick thinking.” “She obviously doesn’t know who she’s talking to.”
Most of the time chit chat while you are out drinking never has a profound effect on you, however this did. It made me feel so small, yet so big. This statement made me doubt my very being yet gave my inner core confidence all at the same time. See at that point in my life, I was full speed ahead into the direction of “Independence” whatever Amber wanted, I got for myself. Whatever I thought was necessary I did. Whatever was going to be fun in the moment I RSVPed, ASAP. The words “settle down” where not in my vocabulary. I was outraged that this girl thought that I was seeking to be settled down. The only thing I was settled down about was- that I was in fact in no shape to settle down.
My independence, self-centered, live for me and only me gears were moving at a mile a minute. I was single and loving it. I was traveling and embracing it. I was moving full speed in every direction too a rhythm in my own head.
Funny the difference a year has made.
Funny the difference a change in perspective makes for you. Funny who will come into your life to create this change of attitude, change of heart.
Those gears I mentioned before… they have began to slowdown, I can actually feel them inside of me changing direction. I can feel the wheels of priority, the wheels of purpose, the wheels of clarity changing. The way I think and see things is changing. Maybe some would call it growing up, some would call it maturity, but I see it as much more then this… It’s a birth of a new age, a beginning of something magical. It’s the start of the next chapter in my life, which coincides great with the start of the new decade.
This year of blogging has been an adventure for me as well. It’s been a journey of deep development. When I started a year ago I never thought I would receive the responses from readers as I have, and for this I am greatly blessed.
Relationships are the building boxes, the glue and the foundation of this blog. Over the year I have posed questions, declared visions and raised more than one questionable topic. A wise man once told me “Change: it’s the only thing that’s constant.” Well… New Year: New Drinks: New Bog.
After careful consideration and conversations, I have decided to bring some extra spice to the mix this year. Since I spent a year complaining, questioning, wondering, asking, declaring, pondering views and ideas of relationships, I thought why not have some say/perspective from the other side… I’m not afraid to admit my dependency to Self-Help books, (no joke I once got caught reading “Dump The Slump and Find a Quality Man”--- in an airport, by an attractive male (might I add) So I figured it might be fun to create my own rendition of a relationship self help guide. So cheers to the new challenge, the collision of perspectives: a Man and a Woman. Sit back stir yourself up a good/strong cosmo and let’s see where this year can take us; because it’s my hope this life is like a fine wine…. Just gets better with time.
With Love and a changing heart,
11.30.2010
“Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent.”
Dear Simplistics,
Ya know the old expression- ignorance is bliss? Yeah… I never bought. I never could wrap my head around the concept of it. You mean to tell me… not knowing, was better than knowing? I blame it on my astrological sign- month to month those damn stars always line up in some twisted spectacle to make my “fiery curiosity” come alive (appreciate it, no really). If you know me slash have been in a room with me long enough to take 5 breaths… Silence and I don’t match. No matter what I’m wearing, no matter what kind of mood I’m in… silence clashes. I will push silence off the edge of the earth to uncover what’s really going on. I seek out meanings and I always have to know, “what the hell really happened.” This is with everything-a great shoe sale but they don’t have my size, Why? I’ve watched my Mom bake the same casserole since I was three… yet my attempt ends with smoke alarms and empty stomachs, Why? I mean, I’m 6 feet tall yet hand me a basketball and see how quickly you ask for it back, Why? Maybe it’s because I have a tremendous amount of faith that everything happens for a reason and purpose… Either way when it comes to failed relationships, I still ask the same, why? Most stable, normal minded girls can walk away after they are told “Hey, it’s not going to work out between us.” She might shed a few tears, drink a few martinis with girlfriends, put together a fabulous outfit and then hit the road running… looking for the next “Mr. Right.”
This girl right here, yeah… never learned how to do that. After things fly south in a relationship, I try to pick up the pieces and when that doesn’t cut it, I walk away, mustering up a semi-poker face. I then add the relationship into the “Whelp, this one didn’t work out” filing folder. Never fails, months later I check back in to see if any new evidence has surfaced for me to piece together- creating my closer (Side note, I have this horrible/terrific gift of being able to be friends with these gentleman months after the heartbreak… I blame the Aries sign again- “your magical natural ability to forgive and forget”).
So when I meet up with these “ex-somethings” slash evolved into a great guy friend to catch up…(Here is where I dig into this evidence to try to better understand myself with the rise and fall of my empire relationships…) I began to realize a very crucial recurring situation in my relationship scene… 8 times out of 10 the recurring theme is that my “ex-something” was now in another relationship. Not just a new girlfriend, but with someone they “could really see themselves settling down with.” (Cue violins)
One of my “ex-somethings”- turned great guy friends, spoke volumes to me one day over coffee…. “Amber, you were a Marilyn and I needed a Jackie.”
No but really, this didn’t affect me the way it might to some, I took these cold hard facts and began to crack my own self mystery… see these girls that my “ex-somethings” accumulated…were exact opposite from me. Take everything that makes me, well, me… flip it, reverse it, convert it- that was who my “ex-somethings” were now dating. Hence brings me to my point… Are there really two types of girls in this world… Jackie’s and Marilyn’s?
People have written books on this topic. People have done research into this theory and bar none it seems you cannot escape the reality of the two and most importantly without one... could the other even exist?
I will do my best to piece this together for you in my own words and in the end my hope is that you can benefit in your own relationship, in your own self mystery.
Jackie- often described as “She’s a nice girl. She’s so sweet. She’s uncomplicated.” She’s the woman who is a girlfriend first and girl second. She’s the woman, who has dinner ready every night and does everything she commits to. She’s proper, poised and pearl stud earrings are most defiantly involved. She keeps the house in order and always compliments her boyfriend on a job well-done. She was brought up in tradition-to nurture and listen to what she was told. Jackie learned to cook and iron at an early age and dinner parties come naturally to her. Jackie’s are patient, Jackie’s are kind. Jackie’s believe all things, hope all things, and endures all things-all the while managing to wear white and keep it clean.
Marilyn- often described as, “She’s a wild one. She does everything so different, strange and exciting.” She’s the woman who at the end of the day would rather be unhappy alone then unhappy in company. She’s the woman, baking a frozen pizza with one hand and her blackberry in the other. She might speak out of line, she’s raw and isn’t afraid to tell you what she thinks. Marilyn’s are a divine mixture of intelligence and imagination without filter from the mind to tongue. She was brought up to respect tradition but think untraditionally. She was taught to create a family and to love them unconditionally, no matter the circumstances. She’s born with a tremendous need for affection and a sincere will to give it. Marilyn’s can play the Stepford wife masterfully but prefer that it ended once the dinner party was over. Marilyn’s are passionate. Marilyn’s are dreamers. Marilyn’s will bear all things, expect all things and love all things-you can’t feed a Marilyn fire and expect her to live off of air.
So here you have it folks, the symbolic struggle between the Marilyn’s and the Jackie’s.
... Yes, I tend to be much more of a Marilyn then a Jackie. I don’t know the first thing about a pot roast, I never get the table setting right and maybe I pour my drinks a bit on the stronger side. I prefer black shirts over white, I talk a bit too loud and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m rough around the edges and I challenge history. I want to be a woman who inspires others to take risks, I want to be a mother to whom my daughter can lean on and I want to be a wife to someone who stands beside me, not in front or behind me. Throughout every single relationship these objectives were never hidden, masked or blurred … "I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They obviously loved somebody I wasn't."-A quote from the dolly herself, Marilyn.
So to drive it all home… I have nothing against Jackie’s, for without them who am I? There have to be vast differences in the world to make it a beautiful place… if all women were the same, how awfully boring our lives would be. I need my life filled with an abundance of beauty- it literally takes my breath away; that feeling is so intense and spectacular that I want to soak up every second of the minute. Once again, I’m not a Jackie hater, in many ways I admire her. I admire her from a distance drinking vodka tonics, wearing sparkly hoops and leopard print. And if she ever asked me for advice I’d give it, if she ever asked me to share my life, I’d reveal it- and hey, what the heck... I’d even get up enough nerve to ask her for the pot roast recipe.
With love and boldness,
Ya know the old expression- ignorance is bliss? Yeah… I never bought. I never could wrap my head around the concept of it. You mean to tell me… not knowing, was better than knowing? I blame it on my astrological sign- month to month those damn stars always line up in some twisted spectacle to make my “fiery curiosity” come alive (appreciate it, no really). If you know me slash have been in a room with me long enough to take 5 breaths… Silence and I don’t match. No matter what I’m wearing, no matter what kind of mood I’m in… silence clashes. I will push silence off the edge of the earth to uncover what’s really going on. I seek out meanings and I always have to know, “what the hell really happened.” This is with everything-a great shoe sale but they don’t have my size, Why? I’ve watched my Mom bake the same casserole since I was three… yet my attempt ends with smoke alarms and empty stomachs, Why? I mean, I’m 6 feet tall yet hand me a basketball and see how quickly you ask for it back, Why? Maybe it’s because I have a tremendous amount of faith that everything happens for a reason and purpose… Either way when it comes to failed relationships, I still ask the same, why? Most stable, normal minded girls can walk away after they are told “Hey, it’s not going to work out between us.” She might shed a few tears, drink a few martinis with girlfriends, put together a fabulous outfit and then hit the road running… looking for the next “Mr. Right.”
This girl right here, yeah… never learned how to do that. After things fly south in a relationship, I try to pick up the pieces and when that doesn’t cut it, I walk away, mustering up a semi-poker face. I then add the relationship into the “Whelp, this one didn’t work out” filing folder. Never fails, months later I check back in to see if any new evidence has surfaced for me to piece together- creating my closer (Side note, I have this horrible/terrific gift of being able to be friends with these gentleman months after the heartbreak… I blame the Aries sign again- “your magical natural ability to forgive and forget”).
So when I meet up with these “ex-somethings” slash evolved into a great guy friend to catch up…(Here is where I dig into this evidence to try to better understand myself with the rise and fall of my empire relationships…) I began to realize a very crucial recurring situation in my relationship scene… 8 times out of 10 the recurring theme is that my “ex-something” was now in another relationship. Not just a new girlfriend, but with someone they “could really see themselves settling down with.” (Cue violins)
One of my “ex-somethings”- turned great guy friends, spoke volumes to me one day over coffee…. “Amber, you were a Marilyn and I needed a Jackie.”
No but really, this didn’t affect me the way it might to some, I took these cold hard facts and began to crack my own self mystery… see these girls that my “ex-somethings” accumulated…were exact opposite from me. Take everything that makes me, well, me… flip it, reverse it, convert it- that was who my “ex-somethings” were now dating. Hence brings me to my point… Are there really two types of girls in this world… Jackie’s and Marilyn’s?
People have written books on this topic. People have done research into this theory and bar none it seems you cannot escape the reality of the two and most importantly without one... could the other even exist?
I will do my best to piece this together for you in my own words and in the end my hope is that you can benefit in your own relationship, in your own self mystery.
Jackie- often described as “She’s a nice girl. She’s so sweet. She’s uncomplicated.” She’s the woman who is a girlfriend first and girl second. She’s the woman, who has dinner ready every night and does everything she commits to. She’s proper, poised and pearl stud earrings are most defiantly involved. She keeps the house in order and always compliments her boyfriend on a job well-done. She was brought up in tradition-to nurture and listen to what she was told. Jackie learned to cook and iron at an early age and dinner parties come naturally to her. Jackie’s are patient, Jackie’s are kind. Jackie’s believe all things, hope all things, and endures all things-all the while managing to wear white and keep it clean.
Marilyn- often described as, “She’s a wild one. She does everything so different, strange and exciting.” She’s the woman who at the end of the day would rather be unhappy alone then unhappy in company. She’s the woman, baking a frozen pizza with one hand and her blackberry in the other. She might speak out of line, she’s raw and isn’t afraid to tell you what she thinks. Marilyn’s are a divine mixture of intelligence and imagination without filter from the mind to tongue. She was brought up to respect tradition but think untraditionally. She was taught to create a family and to love them unconditionally, no matter the circumstances. She’s born with a tremendous need for affection and a sincere will to give it. Marilyn’s can play the Stepford wife masterfully but prefer that it ended once the dinner party was over. Marilyn’s are passionate. Marilyn’s are dreamers. Marilyn’s will bear all things, expect all things and love all things-you can’t feed a Marilyn fire and expect her to live off of air.
So here you have it folks, the symbolic struggle between the Marilyn’s and the Jackie’s.
... Yes, I tend to be much more of a Marilyn then a Jackie. I don’t know the first thing about a pot roast, I never get the table setting right and maybe I pour my drinks a bit on the stronger side. I prefer black shirts over white, I talk a bit too loud and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m rough around the edges and I challenge history. I want to be a woman who inspires others to take risks, I want to be a mother to whom my daughter can lean on and I want to be a wife to someone who stands beside me, not in front or behind me. Throughout every single relationship these objectives were never hidden, masked or blurred … "I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They obviously loved somebody I wasn't."-A quote from the dolly herself, Marilyn.
So to drive it all home… I have nothing against Jackie’s, for without them who am I? There have to be vast differences in the world to make it a beautiful place… if all women were the same, how awfully boring our lives would be. I need my life filled with an abundance of beauty- it literally takes my breath away; that feeling is so intense and spectacular that I want to soak up every second of the minute. Once again, I’m not a Jackie hater, in many ways I admire her. I admire her from a distance drinking vodka tonics, wearing sparkly hoops and leopard print. And if she ever asked me for advice I’d give it, if she ever asked me to share my life, I’d reveal it- and hey, what the heck... I’d even get up enough nerve to ask her for the pot roast recipe.
With love and boldness,
10.06.2010
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
Dear Fellow Experts,
Ok here it goes… the past month of my fabulous life has blindsided me. Let’s talk about the changes…I hope you are sitting down… #1 I’ve fallen madly in love with a sport: Football. #2 I cook. #3 I have a really horrible guest living with me. Impossible you say?!? No all three things happened, occurred and continue to be episodes in my life. The crush on football was arranged; I had multiple support systems to encourage this. There were prayer groups formed, a bit of sabotaging and I think a hypnotist was on call. I mean I live in Baltimore City… if at any point this love affair was going to happen, this was the year, season and the team. The new found love for the boys of fall has been exhilarating and although I have many things to learn and catch up on… it’s been enjoyable.
The cooking comes from an interesting wild card that I have been dealt; this is another blog all together so stay tuned to the story. Although, yes, I will give away at least the card game… Girl meets Guy, Girl wants to keep Guy around, and Guy asked if she can cook….. Girl-“You bet your bottom dollar I can cook!” It’s not that I didn’t understand the rhythm and reason behind cooking, my follow-through just needed some work. My Mother could never understand this, “You love to eat, but don’t want to learn how to prepare it? What are your kids going to eat? Frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets their whole life”…. Whew, so needless to say when I told my mom I had began the domestic journey, she was thrilled. … Maybe the biggest victory of all is the smoke alarm has yet to call.(sorry I couldn't resist) And yes I will admit it, No, I did not see myself waking up to cook bacon and eggs, nor did I think I would spend free time at work goggling “Fun Fall Recipes” and quite certainly not nevah did I think fresh would out number frozen in my refrigerator-But you know what the greatest thing about life is… it takes you by surprise.
Now on to #3… guys she is horrible, she exudes unfabulousness. She walked into my life with no warning, no call, no knock on the door: just showed up. At first I tried to ignore her, thinking if I pretended like she wasn’t there, she would just leave…. Oh but here’s the kicker… she’s made herself quite comfortable and it looks like she’s here to stay. Ugh, this isn’t my first encounter with her but where to even begin. First of let’s talk about the way she’s constantly nagging me for attention, she’s not the kind of guest where you hand over a towel and a wash cloth, say “make yourself at home” and never see again… Nope! not this lady… She insists that we spend time together and get this, she swears she’s an expert with relationships. She’s constantly asking questions and offering unwanted relationship advice. Making me second guess myself and act nuts. Not to mention she would blow Kim Kardashian’s texting issues out of the water, I can’t get her to put her crackberry down. And as much as she questions me, I don’t think she’s too sure of herself either. Nah, I’m on to her… she’s scared; she doesn’t know what her next move is.
See for women we are all in competition to be experts in the same field: relationships. We all want to feel like we got this on lock: owning, living and working it with such confidence that no one can sniff out our real flaw….. We are utterly clueless.
See it’s completely hysterical if you stop and think about it, maybe the biggest joke of all time. We ladies act like we get men, we get how relationships work, we know how to control feelings and our heart. We try to break it all apart in our heads until we’ve come up with a fool proof plan... Yet if we all have our Certificate in Expertness: Relationships…. why is every magazine catered around questioning our expertise and giving us insight to the realm of love and relationships. “5 signs he’s really into you”- “20 new tricks to wow your man”- “How to decode your mans messages”- “What he’s really thinking”- “How to get a new guy to notice you”…….
I mean come one!!! I like to think we women are really fabulous, but each of us has the latest issue of Cosmo in our rooms or book filled with relationship guidance, yet we are the experts?? Why do we purchase these “self-help guides”… just to read and make sure those journalists aren’t trippin’? To clarify the information that we already know? We buy those magazines and self help books because we want to double check our degree? (Please don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about… I was once caught my an attractive male in a public place reading “Dump the Slump and Find a Quality Man” … needless to say that conversation didn’t end with an exchange of numbers)
In what other venture in life do we put the pressure on ourselves to be instant experts: learning how to drive?..nope, learning how to spell?.. nope, cook?..nope, create budgets?..nope!, If we walked in to our first day of work and our boss said to us, “Well we hired you because you’re an expert at what we do here and we have full confidence in you, no mistakes!”…. ughhh I don’t know about you but I’d consider this ludicrous. We make mistakes, we aren’t experts… life is made up of mistakes/ failures and courage to overcome. So why do we women start relationships out with this pressure of “being an expert.”
I’ll go first… and maybe you will follow. … that really unfabulous girl I was describing earlier.... unfortunately I know her rather to well, she shows up every time I decide to take my cool off, see truth is.. She’s me. “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Thank you, Marylin, you said it sister!
I’m going to be real honest here ladies and say the one thing every girl thinks they shouldn’t admit. Please try not to cringe; "I am not an expert at relationships." There I said it, now get me a martini!
Seriously, I think if we could all just admit this to ourselves, our friends and to our men… we might actually get somewhere. I think it’s so funny when I ask my friends for advise regarding guys and they respond “I mean I am not an expert…but….” It’s like oh wait… you aren’t a relationship expert? You don’t hold the Mecca of successful relationships within? You mean to tell me I can’t get “expert” level advice while talking with you… I can’t help but laugh, why do we think we need to be experts in something that is constantly changing and stems from the heart.
As I have embarked on the journey to hushing my inner expert-wannabe, I have to realize “the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you- you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
With Love and humility we meet sucess,
Ok here it goes… the past month of my fabulous life has blindsided me. Let’s talk about the changes…I hope you are sitting down… #1 I’ve fallen madly in love with a sport: Football. #2 I cook. #3 I have a really horrible guest living with me. Impossible you say?!? No all three things happened, occurred and continue to be episodes in my life. The crush on football was arranged; I had multiple support systems to encourage this. There were prayer groups formed, a bit of sabotaging and I think a hypnotist was on call. I mean I live in Baltimore City… if at any point this love affair was going to happen, this was the year, season and the team. The new found love for the boys of fall has been exhilarating and although I have many things to learn and catch up on… it’s been enjoyable.
The cooking comes from an interesting wild card that I have been dealt; this is another blog all together so stay tuned to the story. Although, yes, I will give away at least the card game… Girl meets Guy, Girl wants to keep Guy around, and Guy asked if she can cook….. Girl-“You bet your bottom dollar I can cook!” It’s not that I didn’t understand the rhythm and reason behind cooking, my follow-through just needed some work. My Mother could never understand this, “You love to eat, but don’t want to learn how to prepare it? What are your kids going to eat? Frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets their whole life”…. Whew, so needless to say when I told my mom I had began the domestic journey, she was thrilled. … Maybe the biggest victory of all is the smoke alarm has yet to call.(sorry I couldn't resist) And yes I will admit it, No, I did not see myself waking up to cook bacon and eggs, nor did I think I would spend free time at work goggling “Fun Fall Recipes” and quite certainly not nevah did I think fresh would out number frozen in my refrigerator-But you know what the greatest thing about life is… it takes you by surprise.
Now on to #3… guys she is horrible, she exudes unfabulousness. She walked into my life with no warning, no call, no knock on the door: just showed up. At first I tried to ignore her, thinking if I pretended like she wasn’t there, she would just leave…. Oh but here’s the kicker… she’s made herself quite comfortable and it looks like she’s here to stay. Ugh, this isn’t my first encounter with her but where to even begin. First of let’s talk about the way she’s constantly nagging me for attention, she’s not the kind of guest where you hand over a towel and a wash cloth, say “make yourself at home” and never see again… Nope! not this lady… She insists that we spend time together and get this, she swears she’s an expert with relationships. She’s constantly asking questions and offering unwanted relationship advice. Making me second guess myself and act nuts. Not to mention she would blow Kim Kardashian’s texting issues out of the water, I can’t get her to put her crackberry down. And as much as she questions me, I don’t think she’s too sure of herself either. Nah, I’m on to her… she’s scared; she doesn’t know what her next move is.
See for women we are all in competition to be experts in the same field: relationships. We all want to feel like we got this on lock: owning, living and working it with such confidence that no one can sniff out our real flaw….. We are utterly clueless.
See it’s completely hysterical if you stop and think about it, maybe the biggest joke of all time. We ladies act like we get men, we get how relationships work, we know how to control feelings and our heart. We try to break it all apart in our heads until we’ve come up with a fool proof plan... Yet if we all have our Certificate in Expertness: Relationships…. why is every magazine catered around questioning our expertise and giving us insight to the realm of love and relationships. “5 signs he’s really into you”- “20 new tricks to wow your man”- “How to decode your mans messages”- “What he’s really thinking”- “How to get a new guy to notice you”…….
I mean come one!!! I like to think we women are really fabulous, but each of us has the latest issue of Cosmo in our rooms or book filled with relationship guidance, yet we are the experts?? Why do we purchase these “self-help guides”… just to read and make sure those journalists aren’t trippin’? To clarify the information that we already know? We buy those magazines and self help books because we want to double check our degree? (Please don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about… I was once caught my an attractive male in a public place reading “Dump the Slump and Find a Quality Man” … needless to say that conversation didn’t end with an exchange of numbers)
In what other venture in life do we put the pressure on ourselves to be instant experts: learning how to drive?..nope, learning how to spell?.. nope, cook?..nope, create budgets?..nope!, If we walked in to our first day of work and our boss said to us, “Well we hired you because you’re an expert at what we do here and we have full confidence in you, no mistakes!”…. ughhh I don’t know about you but I’d consider this ludicrous. We make mistakes, we aren’t experts… life is made up of mistakes/ failures and courage to overcome. So why do we women start relationships out with this pressure of “being an expert.”
I’ll go first… and maybe you will follow. … that really unfabulous girl I was describing earlier.... unfortunately I know her rather to well, she shows up every time I decide to take my cool off, see truth is.. She’s me. “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Thank you, Marylin, you said it sister!
I’m going to be real honest here ladies and say the one thing every girl thinks they shouldn’t admit. Please try not to cringe; "I am not an expert at relationships." There I said it, now get me a martini!
Seriously, I think if we could all just admit this to ourselves, our friends and to our men… we might actually get somewhere. I think it’s so funny when I ask my friends for advise regarding guys and they respond “I mean I am not an expert…but….” It’s like oh wait… you aren’t a relationship expert? You don’t hold the Mecca of successful relationships within? You mean to tell me I can’t get “expert” level advice while talking with you… I can’t help but laugh, why do we think we need to be experts in something that is constantly changing and stems from the heart.
As I have embarked on the journey to hushing my inner expert-wannabe, I have to realize “the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you- you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
With Love and humility we meet sucess,
9.07.2010
“Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes, like now, they get you so high."
Dear Love Birds,
We all have moments in our days that make us think, rethink, retry and revise. Recently I’ve had an opportunity to embark on a path that has made me do all of these things, and I must say I like it. We all have people who surprise us from time to time and if you will allow those surprises, they can rattle, stir and rekindle many things within you.
One of those rethinks/retries has brought me to this blog today. See I confess, I will share relationship advice until the cows come home (or martini’s run out). There are few things I like better then to be a solid rock (or at least support over a few cocktails) for my friends. I always like to come up with different ways of thinking about the situation at hand, fabulous “one-liners” are my forte and honestly nothing makes me happier then when people tell me they can relate to my blog. See folks, writing this blog or g-chatting with you about your latest boo… comes so naturally. It takes so little thought and edit for me. Not to toot my own horn, but some of my friends rely on what I am going to tell them about their latest and greatest for the simple fact that I always have something to say. (Whether it is right or wrong… that’s here nor there) What’s the point? Well my dilemma exists in the fact that I have a horrible, reluctant issue with practicing what I preach.
When the relationship does not involve me nor are the issues making/breaking my heart… all day I will sit there and offer advice or alternative solutions. I love that my friends can break down their walls and be vulnerable with me. I can talk about feelings and emotions; wants and desires; passions-you name it. Whatever topic you would like to discuss about your life, I’ve got ideas and visions pouring out of this brain and probably a cocktail recipe to parallel. On the flipside… Me? You want to discuss what I want? Oh, what I would like to see happen for me? Where I want to be in this relationship? How I feel about him? Wait… you would like to discuss where him and I stand? ….. Total breakdown. It’s like watching a robot run out of battery juice. It’s awkward and humiliating; I myself want to look away, so I can only imagine how the viewer must feel. It legitimately becomes the worst conversation of all time, filled with a trillion “ums”, “ya know what I means” and enough “likeeee”’s to make a valley girl blush.
It is a train wreck and only the few and the trusted get to witness this. I’m telling you it’s disgusting. How can one offer such advice to others yet be terrified to express self existing issues? Well here’s the answer friends-vulnerability. I think this Sex in the City quote sums it up- “When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
A long long time ago, I recklessly allowed myself to fall in love, and that’s exactly what I did-I fell. Ok, Okay more like dove off a 100 foot high dive without the slightest clue if there was even a puddle of water underneath me. At the end of the day, when I got to the bottom of the relationship there was no puddle, in fact there wasn’t a sign of H20 for a 100 mile radius.
Now, no need for a piety party, he and the relationship were ALL wrong for me. Needless to say, I’ve stood up from this fall, brushed myself off, gathered the pieces and for the last couple years selectively pieced them back together. I say selectively because once you break, you learn so much truth about yourself and I wanted the opportunity to explore this. “There are cracks in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in."-Eat Love Pray. I could not agree more with this statement.
Back to my favorite world of the English language-vulnerability. It’s hard, it’s my battle. It’s my relationship brick, if you will. The one thing that holds me back is the one thing I desire most in a intimate relationship- complete and utter vulnerability. I mean the definition doesn’t lend much support: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage, liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning. See taken in context this is horrifying and extremely pessimistic but that last definition wraps up the beauty of this emotion: “increased bonuses after winning.” At this point in my life, I understand that when I find the person worthy of being vulnerable with again, it will be such a rush. To lose part of yourself in another, to trust without hesitation and to grow together is an absolutely beautiful gift.
Last time I fell-ok more like plummeted into love, moving forward I want to grow, in love and in vulnerability. Nonetheless, I’m working on it and I sincerely appreciate those of you whom- no matter how awkward it is to watch me squirm; you stand still with me.
Drum roll please… so what’s your battle? Your relationship brick? Because when all is said and done- you can’t take it with you…live life to the fullest.
With love and growth,
We all have moments in our days that make us think, rethink, retry and revise. Recently I’ve had an opportunity to embark on a path that has made me do all of these things, and I must say I like it. We all have people who surprise us from time to time and if you will allow those surprises, they can rattle, stir and rekindle many things within you.
One of those rethinks/retries has brought me to this blog today. See I confess, I will share relationship advice until the cows come home (or martini’s run out). There are few things I like better then to be a solid rock (or at least support over a few cocktails) for my friends. I always like to come up with different ways of thinking about the situation at hand, fabulous “one-liners” are my forte and honestly nothing makes me happier then when people tell me they can relate to my blog. See folks, writing this blog or g-chatting with you about your latest boo… comes so naturally. It takes so little thought and edit for me. Not to toot my own horn, but some of my friends rely on what I am going to tell them about their latest and greatest for the simple fact that I always have something to say. (Whether it is right or wrong… that’s here nor there) What’s the point? Well my dilemma exists in the fact that I have a horrible, reluctant issue with practicing what I preach.
When the relationship does not involve me nor are the issues making/breaking my heart… all day I will sit there and offer advice or alternative solutions. I love that my friends can break down their walls and be vulnerable with me. I can talk about feelings and emotions; wants and desires; passions-you name it. Whatever topic you would like to discuss about your life, I’ve got ideas and visions pouring out of this brain and probably a cocktail recipe to parallel. On the flipside… Me? You want to discuss what I want? Oh, what I would like to see happen for me? Where I want to be in this relationship? How I feel about him? Wait… you would like to discuss where him and I stand? ….. Total breakdown. It’s like watching a robot run out of battery juice. It’s awkward and humiliating; I myself want to look away, so I can only imagine how the viewer must feel. It legitimately becomes the worst conversation of all time, filled with a trillion “ums”, “ya know what I means” and enough “likeeee”’s to make a valley girl blush.
It is a train wreck and only the few and the trusted get to witness this. I’m telling you it’s disgusting. How can one offer such advice to others yet be terrified to express self existing issues? Well here’s the answer friends-vulnerability. I think this Sex in the City quote sums it up- “When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
A long long time ago, I recklessly allowed myself to fall in love, and that’s exactly what I did-I fell. Ok, Okay more like dove off a 100 foot high dive without the slightest clue if there was even a puddle of water underneath me. At the end of the day, when I got to the bottom of the relationship there was no puddle, in fact there wasn’t a sign of H20 for a 100 mile radius.
Now, no need for a piety party, he and the relationship were ALL wrong for me. Needless to say, I’ve stood up from this fall, brushed myself off, gathered the pieces and for the last couple years selectively pieced them back together. I say selectively because once you break, you learn so much truth about yourself and I wanted the opportunity to explore this. “There are cracks in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in."-Eat Love Pray. I could not agree more with this statement.
Back to my favorite world of the English language-vulnerability. It’s hard, it’s my battle. It’s my relationship brick, if you will. The one thing that holds me back is the one thing I desire most in a intimate relationship- complete and utter vulnerability. I mean the definition doesn’t lend much support: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage, liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning. See taken in context this is horrifying and extremely pessimistic but that last definition wraps up the beauty of this emotion: “increased bonuses after winning.” At this point in my life, I understand that when I find the person worthy of being vulnerable with again, it will be such a rush. To lose part of yourself in another, to trust without hesitation and to grow together is an absolutely beautiful gift.
Last time I fell-ok more like plummeted into love, moving forward I want to grow, in love and in vulnerability. Nonetheless, I’m working on it and I sincerely appreciate those of you whom- no matter how awkward it is to watch me squirm; you stand still with me.
Drum roll please… so what’s your battle? Your relationship brick? Because when all is said and done- you can’t take it with you…live life to the fullest.
With love and growth,
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